Bob Kaufmann's Mad World

CATCH A TIGER BY HIS TAIL?

Tiger Woods' purchase of his “Privacy” yacht for about $20 million very wisely included a clause that prohibited the boat builder from using his name in their advertising or publicity.  When they violated that clause, Tiger sued them, and compensatory damages are projected of up to $50 million.

Little is known of any pre-nup agreement he has with Elin Nordegren as to whether it bans her from using his name in any divorce action.

If he had that kind of foresight, maybe she wouldn’t have used a four iron on him.

The publicity in this unfortunate affair is particularly damaging to General Motors who are desperately trying to cover up how easily a Cadillac Escalade crumbles, and even worse, how easy it is to break in through a rear window.  

DID IT EVER?

Did it ever occur to anyone that instead of spending a hundred billion or so to continue the war in Afghanistan over the next year, we could pay every man, woman, and child in Afghanistan about $3,000 and still have some chump change left over?

Did it ever occur to President Obama to check with China before he made his decision to build up our forces in Afghanistan?  After all, we are using the money we borrow from China to pay for this war.

Did it ever occur to anyone that if our unemployment figures don’t improve soon, our labor costs will go down so much that we will once again be able to manufacture shoes, clothing, computers, and television sets here? 

Did it ever occur to anyone that our recovery depends on our hedge fund managers and investment bankers expanding their unregulated activity to other nations?  That way, they can ruin every other nation’s finances, and level the playing field for us.  

WHICH CAME FIRST, THE ….

An ordained Southern Baptist minister who regularly makes reference to his strong religious beliefs, former Arkansas governor, and Republican wannabee presidential candidate Mike Huckabee came a cropper when one of the prisoners whose sentences he commuted assassinated four police officers.

The steps taken by the violent criminals to get out of prison are not clearly defined.  We do not know whether they first found Jesus and then Mike, or first Mike and then Jesus.

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OBAMA LOSES TO BIG MAC 

Unlike General MacArthur, who was taken to the woodshed and fired by President Truman for going public with his superior military opinions about Korea, General Stanley McChrystal, who shot his mouth off to the press, has taken President Obama to the Afghan woodshed.

No matter how brilliant Obama’s justifications are, or how many troops the President sends to Afghanistan, big Mac is the big winner.

If things go well – that proves Mac's greatness. If things don’t go well, it will be Obama’s fault for either not sending enough troops or not sending them promptly enough.

The only hope that Obama has for re-election in 2012 is for the people of Iowa to rise up in anger at having their big moment snatched away from them by having McChrystal anointed as the next president before you can say Caucus.

It is a toss-up for Mac’s vice president spot – between Lou Dobbs and Joe Lieberman.  Their value to the ticket is that neither of them is Sarah Palin

SLIPPING ON THE SLOPES

Reactions were swift to the “guidelines” proposed to cut down on the number of mammograms for women – starting those breast exams at the age of 50 rather than 40, and then having them once every two years as opposed to one.

The proposal was met with alarm by many women, and delight by the Republicans, who seized upon women’s breasts as the slippery slope toward rationing – claiming that federal bureaucrats have no rights in an issue that should be left up to women and their doctors .

On the heels of this boobish act, news came that we had slipped further down the slope, and reached the place where Paps are smeared, and women were told they should leave those places unexplored until they were 21. 

Once again, crotchety Republicans jumped on to the YouTube to protect women from the evil of government groping into women’s private business.

When challenged about this obvious break from their historic position on such matters, the conservatives insisted that abortions are on a different slope, requiring a more hands-on approach.

TEMPER, TEMPER

The Senate Ethics Committee condemned the “less than honest” denials of Senator Roland W. Burris, Democrat of Illinois, regarding his transactional relationship with Governor Rod R. Glabojevich, who was bounced out of office for his role in selling the seat.

Furious that Senator Burris’ behavior reflected unfavorably on the Senate, the Democratically-controlled Ethics Committee burnished their reputation by keeping Burris in his seat, but issuing a strongly worded, Tch Tch to him.

No further action is expected, at least until the Health Insurance Reform bill has its final vote.  At that time, Burris may have to suffer the ultimate action – the adding of a third  Tch.   

MUDDY WATERS

A U.S. official complained that the Afghan minister of mines accepted a roughly $30 million bribe to award the country's largest development project to a Chinese mining firm.

Sounds like Chinese Yellowwater outbid US Blackwater.

The worst part of this story is that it’s our money, transformed by Chinese money laundry.

A NEW DIRECTION FOR CONGRESS

A plan by the 192 countries seeking environmental action to save the planet has been derailed by the U.S.Congress.  Our great legislators were  unwilling to set binding targets on greenhouse gases in this country.

Obviously, global warming has no effect in the halls of congress, where the climate remains unchanged and chilly.

The only hope of getting these legislators to change their minds would be to reschedule their next exploratory junket.

Instead of going to the winter Olympics in Vancouver, they could all go straight to hell.

WHATS IN A NAME?  

Once space travel gets under way, will the extra-terrestrial coffee shops be known as Earthbucks?

PREGNANT THOUGHT  

Women who supported Obama and the Democrats are ticked off at the elected members of their own party who have agreed to kill payment for abortions under the new Health Plan.  

The women should be more empathetic.  They have no need for abortions. 

The sods who are screwing them haven’t got the equipment to make them pregnant in the first place. 

These 'conservative' Democrats will get a rude awakening when they discover that one freedom of choice they haven't been able to mess up will be used by women to abort their terms at the next election.