YOU THINK YOU GOT TROUBLES

The Catholic archdiocese of Portland (OR) filed for bankruptcy to protect itself from suits lodged by alleged victims of sexual abuse by the priests during the years Archbishop William J. Levada was in charge.  Now, as the Vatican’s guardian of doctrinal authority, he has agreed to be deposed, under oath, by attorneys for the plaintiffs. 

The only glitch is that while the Catholic church teaches it is a sin to tell a lie, it also, under the doctrine of mental reservations, permits avoiding the truth to serve a higher purpose.

It’s like swearing on a pile of stacked Bibles.

A bit presumptuous, I think.  Who the hell does the Archbishop think he is, the head of an oil company?


                                            THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Our oft-revised rationale for invading Iraq has settled on regime change, and building a democracy that will encourage democracy in neighboring countries, including an increasingly bellicose Iran.

This represents a complete reversal of the regime change we brought about in Iran in 1953 when President Eisenhower used the CIA to get rid of Mossadegh, the democratically elected leader of that nation.  He had the gall to think that Iran owned its own oil. We replaced him with the undemocratic, but much more compliant Shah.

All of this demonstrates the liberal side of the wonderful oil companies that pay our legislators and rule our foreign policy.  They are equal-opportunity regime changers.   

However, as a fiscal conservative, I must protest the enormous cost of the present regime change, running into the hundreds of billions of dollars and the cost of thousands of lives.

Ike accomplished his Iranian regime change without losing a single soldier or blowing up a single building, and the whole thing cost us a measly million dollars.

But then, he didn’t have Halliburton to help him.


                                      SADDAM SHAME.  IT REALLY IS

Interrupting his trial in Baghdad, Saddam Hussein claimed he and his co-defendants had been beaten and tortured while imprisoned by Americans, a charge immediately denied by U.S. authorities. 

Saddam scoffed at the denial, saying that we lied about him having weapons of mass destruction and we were lying now.

This is one time that I have to believe our leaders.  I know for a fact that we didn’t beat or torture him.  Not that we wouldn’t have.  But we couldn’t get him on to a plane to Afghanistan.


                                          VIRGIN TERRITORY

While thinking about the suicide bombers the Muslim fanatics are hurling at our troops, I realized that more than ever we need Bill Clinton back.  He would single-handedly break the back of the suicide martyr recruitment efforts. 

With Bill in charge, they wouldn’t have enough virgins left to entice any of them.


                                               TRUE ENOUGH

We need  some balance in our thinking.  The people in this country, terrorized by the bombastic statements of a crazed leader who believes in Armageddon, are not paranoid.  Their fears are justified. 

Remember, Iran has one of those berserk leaders, too.


                                                    TERRORTORIAL

Among the groups spied upon as possible terrorists by the Bush government  are the Quakers, known for their peaceful approach to pacifism. 

President Bush and his administration have personal proof that these pacifists are indeed terrorists.  They have all been quaking in their stormtrooper boots.


                                        GRAY LADY’S COVER BLOWN

The NY Times, aka, the Gray Lady, was blasted by the Bushites  for breaking the story of the government’s illegal spying on American citizens right here at home.  Bush said that the report undermined and weakened his fight against terrorism, and accused the paper of timing the release to aid the congressional rebellion against the Patriot Act.

The ungrateful sod failed to thank the Times for holding that story back for more than a year, when a more prompt release might have affected earlier elections.

The unhappiest element of this expose is the outing of the persona of the Times.  Turns out her cover as the respected Gray Lady hid the fact that she was just a wimpy whore who had seen better days.

It’s getting so bad that no self-respecting fish wants to get wrapped in the NY Times.

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