EXTINCT FOSSIL REPORT  

Scientists studying the fossil of an ancient dwarf baleen whale – the Mammalodon colliveri – concluded that although it still had teeth, it was a bottom-feeding mud-sucker.  

There is no official response to rumors that the bottom-feeding mud-sucker’s DNA connects it to Joe Lieberman. 

Studies of the evolutionary process are continuing.    

NUT CASE  

While a coach passenger aboard a Delta flight nearing Detroit, a 23 year-old Nigerian claiming ties to al Qaeda tried to set fire to some explosives he had strapped to his crotch.  

Quickly subdued by other passengers, the would-be suicide bomber was stripped naked, and transferred to a First Class seat where he was restrained for the duration of the flight.  

He immediately demanded that as an upgraded passenger, he should get a refund on the baggage charges he paid on his coach ticket.  

He also wanted to have the miles credited to his infrequent flyer status.  

The kicker is that as a result of this nut case’s nut case, all flyers will have to undergo a much more complete screening on future flights.  

One way to avoid the long lines is to show up at the airport stark naked. 

This will increase speed as well as security, as the guards will not have to bother patting you down or taking away your shoes.  

A passing glance is all it will take for you to pass security and board the plane.  

And I will no longer have to show my card to get priority treatment reserved for the physically handicapped.