Bob Kaufmann's Mad World

 KILLER VIRUS HITS U.S.!

Scientists have identified a virus that regularly kills more than 25,000 Americans every year, and leaves many times that severely incapacitated.  The AMA and the CFG association have issued a checklist to help detect those most likely afflicted by the virus.  Look for these, even in people you thought to  be healthy.

1.     Lumps under their armpits.
2.     Twitching fingers.
3.     Handkerchief headbands made from Confederate Flags.
4.     Frequently seen carrying two books and a magazine.  The books are the Bible and Protocols of the Elders of Zion.  The magazine is generally filled with pointy things with lead tips.
5.     In every conversation they work in the phrase (shouted), “We’re Number One!”
6.     Their favorite tattoos are of Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin.
7.     They come from either Montana or Sicily.
8.     They think there is only one amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
9.     When they say, “Over my cold dead body,” they are talking about yours.
10. Antonin Scalia is their favorite Supreme Court justice.

For years, this sickness was thought to be terminal.  Now, however, there is a cure at hand.  If you are among the afflicted, or, heaven forbid know one of them, and particularly if you are afraid of shots, contact the CURE FOR GUNORRHEA Association at once.

Contributions would help us get out the word.  The first three hundred people to send in a minimum of $400 each will receive a handsome CFG jacket, made of high-impact-resistant Teflon.

HELP US STAMP OUT GUNORRHEA!

 

 

© bobkaufmann 2010

 THE ALITO ANGST

People have unfairly expressed their surprise and displeasure at Supreme Court Justice Alito’s obviously pained and public negative reaction to President Obama’s criticism of a recent decision by the court.

There is no reason for surprise.  How would you react if your pants were on fire?

 

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT

There is a movement afoot to add one more amendment to the constitution – this time to undo the damage to our democratic system caused by the obviously partisan politics of the Flaunting Five.

These men who are named to life terms on the Supreme Court bench-pressed personhood on Corporations.  Ordinary folks would get life sentences for lesser actions.

The language of their decision was not so much a slippery slope, as syllogistic slop.  If a corporation is a person as a result of being an association of citizens, then a citizen should be able to acquire a spouse, and should that corporation produce something that doesn’t meet its standards, that corporation should be allowed to cut its losses and terminate that portion of the business.  A Corporate citizen should also be allowed to merge with one or more citizens of the same model.  Such associations will be known as gender benders.

I applaud the passion of those who would overcome this absurdity by the only means they, in their limited thinking, believe is at their disposal – a Constitutional amendment.  That has all the effectiveness of firefighters hoping to stamp out a roaring inferno by peeing on it while the lush forest is transformed into ashes.

Instead of waiting around twenty years or so, why not take immediate actions informing the future as well as clarifying the present?

Change the name of the institution.  The Supreme Court will henceforth be known as The Extreme Court.  The people appointed to serve on the Extremists bench will be known as Highway Robers, and Pete Seeger will be commissioned to write a new song at the beginning of each open session, This Land Aint Your Land, and another when they leave the room, Hail To The Thief.

The statue, Contemplation of Justice, should be removed from the front of the court building and replaced with the statue of Justitia, Lady Justice, with the blindfold removed from her eyes and shoved up her nostrils so that she can avoid the stench.

The scales of justice she holds should show one tray loaded with gold bricks that tip the balance totally out of whack.

The Extremists can no longer hand down decisions.  As the lowest of the low, they can only hand them up.  One exception; they will be allowed to incorporate their own little association of citizens, and offer opinions on the fifth Tuesday of February.

In honor of The Extremist who exhibited displeasure at being called out during the State of the Union address, his birthday, April 1, shall henceforth be called April Alito’s Day.

Congress can eliminate all payment for the running of the court.  The Extremists, called by polloi simply as The Injustices, can then take their case to their own court. However they will all have to recuse themselves from any involvement in the hearings.

Their decisions must be unanimous.  If just one of the nine appointees to the Extreme Court wishes to filibuster, the court may not decide anything other than what kind of hood they wish to make part of their dress codes.

When court is in session, only the audiences can speak.  However, the Extremes will be allowed to use their cell phones (each will get his own cell), until they get their twitters out of the ringer.

 +++++++++

Note:  My father, who studied in 1910 at Northeastern University School of Law, told me with great relish of an occasion when one of his law professors had tried a case before a typical Boston, politically appointed, thoroughly corrupt and completely incompetent judge.

Every objection he raised to a blundering court ruling was overruled by the judge, who became increasingly annoyed at this extremely well informed attorney.

When the attorney announced that he was going to appeal all the judge’s decisions, the robe-wearing clod warned him that if he heard one more objection from him that he would fine him $50 for contempt of court.

Whereupon the furious attorney responded, “$50 wouldn’t begin to express my contempt for this court.”

It would be neat if the story ended on that triumphant note.  However, ethics demand the full story be told.  The judge’s response was to raise the fine to $100, a considerable sum in those days.

That was 100 years ago.  I wonder how much old Sam Alito would charge the American public for their contempt of the constitution trashing action taken by him, Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and Kennedy.

To hell with that.  We should be allowed to fine them for contempt of Constitution.


+++++++++

STIMULATAE ID EPLORUM OMNES

Stimulus:  an act to arouse action – rated PG 21

Every American citizen 21 years or older gets a non-transferable debit card (identified with Social Security number) with $1,000 on it. About 100 million people get these cards – total of $100 billion.  They cannot be used in concert with any other of these debit cards.  The amount of any purchase over $1,000 has to be paid for in cash or check. These cards cannot be used to pay down any debts. This card is not transferable and is only good for products manufactured in the United States by companies that maintain their headquarters here as well. The card is only good for four months, and any balance on the card at the expiration date is wiped out.  This will assure that the stimulus will be immediate.

The cards cannot be used for oil or gasoline.  That will please the tree huggers.

The cards cannot be used to buy medicines.  That will please the Republicans.

American manufacturers will get orders, stores will get sales; employees will retain jobs; new employees may be hired; and they, in turn will buy other things with cash.  That will please both the Chamber of Commerce and the unions.

The poor will move up a bit, and have to pay taxes, which will please the Republicans.

Sales tax income will go up for the states, and that will please a lot of incompetent Governors who can take the money and still complain about the Federal government.

The cards can be used for buying marijuana, which will please the immoral liberals who will smoke it and thrill the moral conservatives who will sell it.

Sales of marijuana will increase, as we will make that product legal and taxable, adding to the power of the stimulus package. 

Church leaders will rejoice at the increased attendance at communion services where they serve marijuana wafers.

Politicians who have long operated with smoke and mirrors will drop the mirrors, inhale the smoke, bi-partisanship will return, and in the ensuing era that follows, known as the Stoned Age, peace and harmony will settle over the Capitol.

The bastards who have taken their businesses off shore to avoid paying taxes will want to get in on the stimulated domestic action, and will start an off-offshore movement.  Who knows?  We might even use undocumented workers in sweatshops in New York and Los Angeles to make shoes that we can export to China.

THE ALIOTO ANGST

 

People have unfairly expressed their surprise and displeasure  at Supreme Court Justice Alioto’s obviously pained and public negative reaction to President Obama’s criticism of a recent decision by the court.

 

That is ridiculous.  How would you react if your pants were on fire?

 

BARACK IN  TRANSITION

 

There are lots of reasons to vote against Obama.  And the one reason to vote for him outweighs all of them.

 

The reasons seem obvious enough.  He thought he could reason with the Republicans, and he gave us confidence that we would have a bi-partisan government.

 

Instead, Barack was tumbled by a no nothing Republican Party leaving him with nothing to show for his promises.

 

And now, in a 70-minute speech, we find our president re-defining himself as the can-do leader.  He will now be known Barack I’mgonna. 

 

If he doesn’t get something done he’s going to be Barack Ogonner.

 

BLINDING TRANSPARENCY

 

At the same time, Obama’s enemies distort the facts as they rush to condemn him for not delivering the transparency he promised during his campaign.

 

Blinded by their bias, they ignore how open the Democratic Party has been in their effort to deliver a desperately needed reform of the nation’s health insurance problem.

 

There was nothing secret about the way they paid off Mr. Lieberman, the gentleman from Connecticut, to get him to vote for their plan.

Had they wanted to act in secret, they would simply have told the loathsome character that if he didn’t shape up, they would remove his skinny ass from the chairs he held, and commit giant sums to defeat him at the next election.

 

And they gave his fellow extortionist, Big Ben Nelson, a huge payoff to get his vote.  They weren’t sneaky like the bagmen from CREEP, the lumps who were paid by Nixon’s boys to mess with a national election.  Hell, Senator Nelson got more press on this than anything he did in his entire career.

 

You want more transparency?  We purchased Louisiana (the really BIG Louisiana) from the French for a lousy $15 million.  This time, way out in the open, the new, improved, giant size Louisiana Purchase was $300 million for one lousy vote.  Mary Landrieu, of the big sleazy, took credit for that great grab.

 

Is there a person alive who was not aware of the nifty bonus the labor unions got for lifting their opposition to the plan – after making their ‘negotiations’ public?

 

Q and A

 

The Answer to the Question, why do liberals – I’m one of them - continue to support the Democratic Party – has its answer in an old Jewish joke.

 

As the story goes, Morris Cohen, the biggest financial supporter of a great Jewish temple died.  He was a thoroughly disreputable man who made Bernie Madoff look like the most ethical man in the world.  He had a giant fortune, and more enemies than dollars.

 

At his funeral service, the huge temple was filled to the rafters with people who hated the man.  Unfortunately, the temple’s Rabbi was conveniently ill, and the only one they could find who was willing to conduct the service was a young rabbi totally unfamiliar with Morris.

 

When it came to the eulogy, he stated, “As you all know, I did not know Morris Cohen, and we need a friend of Morris to come forward and speak of the good of this man.”

 

Four thousand parishioners sat in total silence.

 

He repeated his request, saying that the eulogy was an integral part of the service, and a spokesman for Morris was needed to bear witness before God of the qualities of Mr. Cohen.

 

Five long, painful minutes pass.  Not a murmur.

 

Exasperated, the young Rabbi stated, “There must be at least one person among the thousands sitting here right now who has something, anything good to say about Morris.  Until someone does, this service will not continue!”

 

At that, way up in the upper balcony, one man stood up and shouted, “His brother was worse.”

 

There is the answer.  We support the Democrats because the Republicans are worse.  Far worse.

 

So, if by chance you had a smile on your face, wipe it off.

 

TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCES

 

Supreme Court judges are given life assignments to protect them from the very kind of pressure that, whether for political or religious hard-line beliefs, five of them, all appointed by Republicans, have now unleashed on Congress!

 

During their nomination processes, each of them had made it transparently clear that they were opposed to “judicial activism,” in keeping with the fervently held position of their Republican sponsors – until it served their purpose.  We need only think back a few years when the Supreme Court selected George W. Bush to be President.

 

The situation facing the United States today is even more daunting.  The average age of the conservative bloc justices on the court is 64.  The average age of the liberal bloc justices is 73.  Stevens will be 90 in April, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 77, has been seriously ill.

 

The decisions already made by the present Court will profoundly affect the laws of this nation for the next twenty years.  The odds are that if President Obama gets to nominate a new justice, or even the next two justices, the makeup of the court will not change.

 

We liberals got mad at Ralph Nader for insisting that our government is broken.  If we don’t do something soon, it will be pulverized.

 

If Obama is not re-elected, it is highly doubtful that any other Democrat will be elected in either 2016 or 2020.  Translation – kiss the next 50 years goodbye.

 

So, my liberal friends, suck it up.  Push Obama to match his words with actions.

 

Make health care reform simple, while the control of the Senate and the House is in the hands, however inept, or subservient to lobbyists they may have been, rests with the Democrats.

 

Split the reform into simple, separate legislative acts – call it the Clean Bill of Health, with no earmarks and no nonsense.

 

You won’t need 2000 pages to describe these bills.  Hell, you won’t need 20.

 

1.  Make it legal for any state, working separately or with any other state or states, to negotiate prices with pharmaceutical companies and drug distributors here or abroad.

 

2.  Make it legal for any hospital or HMO, working separately or with other hospitals or HMOs, or with their states, to do the same.

 

3.  Make it legal for any individual or association of individuals (until we can depersonalize corporations) to buy medical insurance from any company anywhere.

 

4.  Make it illegal for any insurance company or Health Maintenance Organization to refuse coverage to people because of their present or previous medical condition.

 

5.  Make it legal for any state to impose stricter regulations on pharmaceutical firms or insurance companies than those set by the federal government.

 

6.  Lower the entry age for Medicare to 55.

 

I’ll get into governance in my next posting.  It’s perfectly OK with me if you don’t want to do anything.  In that case, if you are young enough, or love your young kids or grandchildren, you might just think about re-locating

 

++++++++++

 

And here is a reward for anyone who has not already hit the delete button.

 

++++++++++

 

 

People have been asking me about the new things occupying me. 

 

Funny you should ask.  Last week, a few minutes after I had returned home after another surgery, I had one of those near life experiences.  As I wigged out a bit, Arlene became concerned, and trained nurse that she is, she cuffed me, and found that I was not recording any blood pressure.  Then she couldn’t find a pulse.  So she called 911 and 3 (count ‘em, 3) paramedic trucks pulled up in front of the building, lusting after my body.  About nine or ten of these illustrious people crowded in to our living room, and couldn’t find my pulse either.  They hauled me back by ambulance to the Urgent Care facility, where it was discovered that my entire problem was that I was dehydrated.

 

Now the good part of all this is that, although I had no blood pressure, no pulse, not much awareness of what the hell was going on, I could still talk.

 

The happy result, I am now certified as eminently qualified to become a congressman.

 

As you shall see in my next posting, that is inadequate for me. 

 

Until then, if you have any ideas to add to the Bills of Health, let me know.  I’ll forward them to as many legislators and media as I can.

 

Yrs

 

Bob

 

There will be no need to click on anything.  Please read this whole blithering thing.  Some folks have wondered what I'm about these days.  That is answered at the bottom of the following.

 

I hope you are moved to respond.

 

Yours  -

 

Bob

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

                   BARACK IN  TRANSITION

 

There are lots of reasons to vote against Obama.  And the one reason to vote for him outweighs all of them.

The reasons seem obvious enough.  He thought he could reason with the Republicans, and he gave us confidence that we would have a bi-partisan government.

Instead, Barack was tumbled by a no nothing Republican Party leaving him with nothing to show for his promises.

And now, in a 70-minute speech, we find our president re-defining himself as the can-do leader.  He will now be known Barack I’mgonna. 

If he doesn’t get something done he’s going to be Barack Ogonner.

 

            BLINDING TRANSPARENCY

 

At the same time, Obama’s enemies distort the facts as they rush to condemn him for not delivering the transparency he promised during his campaign.

Blinded by their bias, they ignore how open the Democratic Party has been in their effort to deliver a desperately needed reform of the nation’s health insurance problem.

There was nothing secret about the way they paid off Mr. Lieberman, the gentleman from Connecticut, to get him to vote for their plan.

Had they wanted to act in secret, they would simply have told the loathsome character that if he didn’t shape up, they would remove his skinny ass from the chairs he held, and commit giant sums to defeat him at the next election.

And they gave his fellow extortionist, Big Ben Nelson, a huge payoff to get his vote.  They weren’t sneaky like the bagmen from CREEP, the lumps who were paid by Nixon’s boys to mess with a national election.  Hell, Senator Nelson got more press on this than anything he did in his entire career.

You want more transparency?  We purchased Louisiana (the really BIG Louisiana) from the French for a lousy $15 million.  This time, way out in the open, the new, improved, giant size Louisiana Purchase was $300 million for one lousy vote.  Mary Landrieu, of the big sleazy, took credit for that great grab.

Is there a person alive who was not aware of the nifty bonus the labor unions got for lifting their opposition to the plan – after making their ‘negotiations’ public?

 

                         Q and A

 

The Answer to the Question, why do liberals – I’m one of them - continue to support the Democratic Party – can be found in an old Jewish joke.

As the story goes, Morris Cohen, the biggest financial supporter of a great Jewish temple died.  He was a thoroughly disreputable man who made Bernie Madoff look like the most ethical man in the world.  He had a giant fortune, and more enemies than dollars.

At his funeral service, the huge temple was filled to the rafters with people who hated the man.  Unfortunately, the temple’s Rabbi was conveniently ill, and the only one they could find who was willing to conduct the service was a young rabbi totally unfamiliar with Morris.

When it came to the eulogy, he stated, “As you all know, I did not know Morris Cohen, and we need a friend of Morris to come forward and speak of the good of this man.”

Four thousand parishioners sat in total silence.

He repeated his request, saying that the eulogy was an integral part of the service, and a spokesman for Morris was needed to bear witness before God of the good qualities of Mr. Cohen.

Five long, painful minutes pass.  Not a murmur.

Exasperated, the young Rabbi stated, “There must be at least one person among the thousands sitting here right now who has something, anything good to say about Morris.  Until someone does, this service will not continue!”

At that, way up in the upper balcony, one man stood up and shouted, “His brother was worse.”

 There is the answer.  We support the Democrats because the Republicans are worse.  Far worse.

 

If by chance you had a smile on your face, wipe it off.  The fault is not all with the Republicans.  We have been badly served by many of the Democrats in the House and in the Senate.

 

             TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCES

 

Supreme Court judges are given life assignments to protect them from the very kind of pressure that, whether for political or religious hard-line beliefs, five of them, all appointed by Republicans, have now unleashed on Congress!

During their nomination processes, each of them had made it transparently clear that they were opposed to “judicial activism,” in keeping with the fervently held position of their Republican sponsors – until it served their purpose.  We need only think back a few years when the Supreme Court selected George W. Bush to be President.

The situation facing the United States today is even more daunting.  The average age of the conservative bloc justices on the court is 64.  The average age of the liberal bloc justices is 73.  Stevens will be 90 in April, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 77, has been seriously ill.

The decisions already made by the present Court will profoundly affect the laws of this nation for the next twenty years.  The odds are that if President Obama gets to nominate a new justice, or even the next two justices, the makeup of the court will not change.

We liberals got mad at Ralph Nader for insisting that our government is broken.  If we don’t do something soon, it will be pulverized.

If Obama is not re-elected, it is highly doubtful that any other Democrat will be elected in either 2016 or 2020.  Translation – kiss the next 50 years goodbye.

So, my liberal friends, suck it up.  Push Obama to match his words with actions.

Make health care reform simple, while the control of the Senate and the House is in the hands, however inept, or subservient to lobbyists they may have been, rests with the Democrats.

Split the reform into simple, separate legislative acts – call it the Clean Bill of Health, with no earmarks and no nonsense.

You won’t need 2000 pages to describe these bills.  Hell, you won’t need 20.

1.  Make it legal for any state, working separately or with any other state or states, to negotiate prices with pharmaceutical companies and drug distributors here or abroad.

2.  Make it legal for any hospital or HMO, working separately or with other hospitals or HMOs, or with their states, to do the same.

3.  Make it legal for any individual or association of individuals (until we can depersonalize corporations) to buy medical insurance from any company anywhere.

4.  Make it illegal for any insurance company or Health Maintenance Organization to refuse coverage to people because of their present or previous medical condition.

5.  Make it legal for any state to impose stricter regulations on pharmaceutical firms or insurance companies than those set by the federal government.

6.  Lower the entry age for Medicare to 55.  

Even Sarah Palin won't be able to find a death panel in any of these.

 

 ++++++++++

 

As some of you know, every year for about 35 years in a row, I offered up a set of predictions, and had an accuracy rate of just a dot over 70%.  I gave it  up because I found it so damned depressing.

I’ll get into governance in a much lighter-hearted way in my next posting.  It’s perfectly OK with me if you don’t want to do anything.  In that case, if you are young enough, or love your young kids or grandchildren, you might just think about re-locating

 

                                                         ++++++++++

               And here is a reward for anyone who has not already hit the delete button.

 

                                                         ++++++++++

 

 

People have been asking me about the new things occupying me. 

Funny you should ask.  Last week, a few minutes after I had returned home after another surgery, I had one of those near life experiences.  As I wigged out a bit, Arlene became concerned, and trained nurse that she is, she cuffed me, and found that I was not recording any blood pressure.  Then she couldn’t find a pulse.  So she called 911 and 3 (count ‘em, 3) paramedic trucks pulled up in front of the building, lusting after my body.  About nine or ten of these illustrious people crowded in to our living room, and couldn’t find my pulse either.  They hauled me back by ambulance to the Urgent Care facility, where it was discovered that my entire problem was that I was dehydrated.

Now the good part of all this is that, although I had no blood pressure, no pulse, not much awareness of what the hell was going on, I could still talk.

The happy result, I am now certified as eminently qualified to become a congressman.

As you shall see in my next posting, that is inadequate for me. 

Until then, if you have any ideas to add to the Bills of Health, let me know.  I’ll forward them to as many legislators and media as I can.

Yrs

bob

 

 

 

 

GENENTECH

 

 

Genetically engineered Americans who convert green stuffed into their hands into words spewing from their mouths.

 

 

 

 

 

 

DUMB, DUMBER, AND DEMOCRATS

 

With the future of just about every one of their major reform policies hanging in the balance, the Democrats first allowed Coakley to run for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, figuring that they owned it, and then virtually ignored her campaign until five minutes before the election.

 

She probably thought she could get by on the cheap by using a cast-off campaign book that Hillary had used early in her campaign.

 

And wouldn’t you know it, the Dems had the election insured by AIG.

 

COURTING DISASTER           

 

By a vote of five to four the Supreme Court overturned long-standing congressional votes and previous Supreme Court decisions, opening the floodgates for big money to inundate future elections.

 

These are the same Supreme Court justices who during their appointment hearings announced loudly and proudly that that they would follow the policy of ‘stare decisis.’   What they really meant was they would commit themselves to a policy of  ‘scary decisis.’

 

Come to think of it, all this proves that Supreme Court justice is an oxymoron.

 

Republicans are getting hernias as they jerk themselves around to applaud the activist judging that they had condemned until fifteen minutes before their favored five revealed the depths of their biased brains.

 

Another result of the present Scary Supremes’ disastrous vote was that it reinforced the Scary Decisis of 1894, a bizarre decision that declared the personhood of corporations.

 

The last time this was studied, to be a person, one at least had to have a heart and a voice, not just a lobbyist with deep pockets and a big ad budget.

 

There are opposing views on the Scary Supremes’ actions.  It all depends on whose ox is being gored.  This time the winning side is the same one that oxed Gore.

 

GIBRAN THE BUBBLE DANCER  -  Wall Street

You loaned together, and together you shall be broke forever more

You shall be together when rings of creditors scatter your assets

Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of greed

But let there be spaces in your developments

And let the subs of your primes dance between you.

 

GIBRAN’S LOBBY  -  Congress

You were tainted together, and together you shall rot forevermore,

You shall be together when your lobbyist owners end your pay

Ay, you shall be together in the silent memory of No

But let there be spaces in your reelections

And let the winds of reform clear out your sorry ass.

 

JOHN: UP 8 & 7

Tiger Woods has now broken all records in the number of sponsors lost in one season.  (Gillette’s dropping him was the unkindest cut of all.)

Brit Hume, desperate to have someone know that he was still alive, despite being on Fox TV, said the only way that Tiger could redeem himself would be to accept Jesus Christ and drop the Buddhist religion. 

Too little, too late!  Our hero got a better offer. Other religious leaders, aware that Mr. Woods’ exploits with perhaps fifteen ladies had effectively bombed Madison Avenue, officially declared him a martyr, entitled to 57 more hookers.

One great benefit of Tiger’s testosterone is that he has activated the HOA (Hypocrites of America).  In their eyes, one of his sins is that he allowed people to like and admire him.  Had he been a clumsy hacker and an unlikeable slob like them, people would not have been disappointed in his not living up to their expectations. 

Women, every last one of them virginal, including the married ones, who had earlier fawned on him, have taken to piling on.  Their righteous indignation is boundless, and they are angered that he hit too many balls out of bounds.

Some of the ladies with whom he is alleged to have played a round have tried to sell their stories to the media. They are true lovers of golf.  Their only motivation appears to be a concern with the rub of the green.

Another of his errors was that as a married man, he had sex with a rather large number of unmarried women.  These folks are likely to chat about such activity more than married women might.

He would have been far better off if he had lots of extra-marital sex over the same period of time, but confined it to only one or two playing partners.  That’s the American way!

As we gather stones to hurl at him, we would do well to remember the biblical injunction, JOHN 8.7:  He that is without sin, let him tee off first.

SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED

The CIA is now gathering evidence of polar ice melting, and sharing it with scientists concerned with the rise of ocean levels threatening human life around the globe.

The Obama administration has put them all on notice to avoid mistakes.  He wants to be sure that they connect all the ice cubes.

The Republicans are condemning the cost of expensive satellite photography as a gigantic waste of money, because they know there is no such thing as global warming.

Fundamentalists are claiming that global warming is just a loving God’s way of turning the whole world into a melting pot.

San Franciscans say that they prefer it smoked.

 

TV OR NOT TV

Republicans are claiming that President Obama has reneged on his oft-stated promise to carry all major legislation negotiations on CSPAN.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  He wanted to have it aired, but the network refused to carry one more messy reality show.

His media people are now trying to have these sessions shown on a new season of Fantasy Island.

 TERRORISM - Predictions: ca 1985

This posting is taken verbatim from my published writings of 1985 and 1986.  It speaks to terrorism and the reactions to terrorism.

(As a side note, on other occasions I have written admiringly of Ronald Reagan - as opposed to the presidents following him) in that he launched attacks only against tiny, powerless countries unlikely to cause any trouble.)

 

++++++++

Terrorism is a pretty good place to start this year's predictions.  In my 1985 predictions, I said, "I look for Khadafi to promote some sensational mischief within the first 6 months of 1985.  He is too smart to attempt any direct military engagement against his stronger neighbors or those with important western alliances.  That leaves him an outlet where he is virtually invulnerable and unstoppable.  This leads to my prediction of high level terrorist acts."  I continued with this prediction,   "For the greatest part, the terrorism we have suffered in the United States has been the home grown variety - neither very skilled nor organized nor prolonged.  I predict we are going to see more of the big league terrorism.  Moreover, I predict our government will be no more successful in heading this off than it has been in dealing with it overseas.  We must realize that terrorism is the most economical form of warfare ever developed.  500 men and women could raise almost unimaginable havoc with our nation of more than 225 million.  At that, I am being extremely conservative.  100 could do it.  I do not think we will see anything on that large a scale.  But we will see it - more than we will like - within the next couple of years."

             For 1986, I want to extend that old prediction a bit.  We are dealing with people whose thinking is alien to our own, but very close to that of our president.  He is a secular ideologue.  They are religious ideologues.    In religion, the more far fetched the premise, the deeper the belief has to be to accept it.  The deeper the belief, the greater the commitment.  People who deeply believe the bizarre - that, for example, a man who dies while killing an enemy of his faith will go directly to heaven where he will be cared for by seven beautiful women - are quite delighted to blow themselves up.   President Reagan has much the same intensity of commitment to his beliefs as do the religious fanatics.  When we examine the options that are open to us to fight terrorists, I hark back to an observation I made back in l970 - ...  the powerful are powerless when their enemy is too small to be identified, too scattered to be confined, too poor to be penalized, too desperate to be frightened.   Let's put that in perspective.  It is easy to condemn terrorism as not fighting fair.  However, it appears rather stupid and cavalier to expect poor people to fight only on the terms of their enemies who can afford armies and aircraft and sophisticated weaponry.  

            Obviously, President Reagan does not read my sermons.  And somebody other than me wrote the script for his recent press conference.  There he was, standing tall in the griddle, promising all kinds of drastic actions in response to the recent terrorist acts.  He acted as though the Palestinian terrorists would shrink in fright, and throw away their bombs.  Unfortunately for all of us, the Palestinians have a script of their own.

            With this background, we are led to a number of logical predictions.  (1)  There will be more, not fewer terrorist acts this year than ever before.  (2)  Some of these terrorist acts will directly target Americans.   (3) At least one of these terrorist acts will take place on American soil.

            All this will leave President Reagan with what appears to be an interesting dilemma.   I have to correct that statement.  This would leave me - and many other people with a dilemma if we were President.  But we are not.  And I do not think President Reagan is nearly as confused as someone who is less of an ideologue would be.  I am confident he will play the role he has scripted for himself.  (4) He will react with violence.  The questions are;  what kind of violence, and where, when,  and against whom he will use it.  I predict the first thing he will do is to emulate the Soviet Union.   From what we read, they were successful in obtaining the release of their diplomats by resorting to personal level, retaliatory terrorism quite recently.   Their success, I should note, hurts us.  What we and the world need is for the Soviets to suffer a rash of terrorist acts.  That is the only thing that would motivate them to work with us against terrorism.  And without the two great powers working in concert, there will be no end to terrorism.  My prediction is, then, (5) we will unleash the CIA.   That means that (6) we will have some covert actions - Vietnam-Phoenix type assassinations and that sort of thing done by people we will disown.   We regularly observe governments denying involvement with terrorism.  The only people admitting it are the small groups seeking publicity, or who are attempting to kill alliances or agreements they oppose.    A second Reagan action might be to privately encourage an Israeli action against what we are told a re the terrorist training camps in Libya, attacks we would then publicly deplore, but "understand."  (7)  I predict this will happen, but only on a limited scale, for reasons I'll get to in a moment.  Still, I do not see any of these satisfying our President's need for one of those, charge up the hill boys, bombs bursting in air, stand tall responses.  Additionally, we need something to take our mind off the economy, and Gramm Rudman, and taxes.   In short, we need another Grenada.  The question is where do we find someone we can beat up on without much fear of losing?  We sure as the devil are not going back into Lebanon.  Libya is the best bet.  After all, the Marine hymn speaks glowingly of the shores of Tripoli.  

        The other element we must have to support the shoot em up response I have predicted is what our press is fond of calling the smoking gun.   Ask and ye shall receive.  Despite his erratic behavior, I do not believe Khadaffi wants a direct conflict with the U.S.  Therefore, I predict (8), we will provoke Libya into a military response against one of our planes that will be on a spy overflight, or we will taunt them with our ships near enough to their shores to the point they shoot, or at least where we can claim they shot first.  (Remember the Gulf of Tonkin?)   Then, I predict (9), we will enjoy one quick, ferocious blast at them.  The timing (10), I predict, will be no earlier than mid February. That will give our nationals a couple of weeks leeway to clear out of Libya prior to the short fight.  (11) At this, President Reagan's popularity will climb higher than ever.

 

NOTE:  THE BOMBING ATTACK INTENDED TO KILL GADAFFI (revised spelling) TOOK PLACE 6 WEEKS AFTER THE ABOVE WAS PUBLISHED.

EXTINCT FOSSIL REPORT  

Scientists studying the fossil of an ancient dwarf baleen whale – the Mammalodon colliveri – concluded that although it still had teeth, it was a bottom-feeding mud-sucker.  

There is no official response to rumors that the bottom-feeding mud-sucker’s DNA connects it to Joe Lieberman. 

Studies of the evolutionary process are continuing.    

NUT CASE  

While a coach passenger aboard a Delta flight nearing Detroit, a 23 year-old Nigerian claiming ties to al Qaeda tried to set fire to some explosives he had strapped to his crotch.  

Quickly subdued by other passengers, the would-be suicide bomber was stripped naked, and transferred to a First Class seat where he was restrained for the duration of the flight.  

He immediately demanded that as an upgraded passenger, he should get a refund on the baggage charges he paid on his coach ticket.  

He also wanted to have the miles credited to his infrequent flyer status.  

The kicker is that as a result of this nut case’s nut case, all flyers will have to undergo a much more complete screening on future flights.  

One way to avoid the long lines is to show up at the airport stark naked. 

This will increase speed as well as security, as the guards will not have to bother patting you down or taking away your shoes.  

A passing glance is all it will take for you to pass security and board the plane.  

And I will no longer have to show my card to get priority treatment reserved for the physically handicapped.

GREEN GOES BLUE

Upon being heckled for “bleating and blathering” by the Labour party whip Emmett Stagg of the Irish parliament, MP Paul Gogarty, of the Green party, retorted twice with what the Irish press referred to as the F-Word.

 

Mr. Gogarty apologized for the off-color remark to the parliament, recognizing that using blue language was not appropriate for the Green party.

 

He recovered a bit later with the news that the F-word was not one of the abusive expressions outlawed in the 83-page document Salient Rulings of the Chair, as are brat, buffoon, rat, and scumbag.

 

And it turns out that Mr. Stagg had himself earlier breached the rules by attacking the argument of another MP, saying, “that it was like rubbing a fat pig’s arse with lard.”

 

As those words rubbed the Committee on Salient Rulings the wrong way, it was agreed to state, “fat pig’s posterior.”

 

That Committee is now going to review all its rules, under the direction of its Chairman, Ceann Comhairle Seamus Kirk.  Apparently, his name, whatever it means, is not on the list.

 

The Irish press stopped one vowel short of printing all four letters of the F-word, perhaps thinking that without the vowel, most conservative Irishmen would not know WTF they were writing about.

 

 

 

THE COPENHAGEN FOLLIES

China and the U.S., the world’s biggest polluters, led the Copenhagen conference to an agreement not to agree on any definite moves to save the world from massive climate change and environmental destruction.

This was hailed as an important start in the program to have another meeting at some undetermined time in the future.

A few of the low-lying nations expressed the hope that they will not lose their vote at the next meeting simply because they might not exist then.

Conservatives in the U.S. were offended when they discovered that other groups beside themselves could hold back progress.

Sarah Palin, who regularly rejects the concept of human involvement in global warming, is now leading a group to have the summer Olympics of 2016 held in Anchorage.

RICH MAN, POOR MAN

China responded to U.S. calls for a more robust and verifiable reduction of pollution emissions with a demand that the rich nations of the world, and particularly the U.S. contribute much more of the $100 billion already pledged to help the developing, poor nations.

By golly, if being twelve trillion bucks in debt qualifies us to be called rich, think how terrible it would be if we were poor.

I guess if the Chinese are really serious about our upping the ante, we should go ahead with it.  After all, it’s their money.

WHO’S THE DOPE NOW?

Following a referendum passed overwhelmingly a year ago, drug addicts in Switzerland are given free pure heroin, and the result has been a substantial reduction in crime:  public parks in the major Swiss cities, once turned into drug bazaars by dealers and junkies, with soil contaminated to a depth of one meter by used needles, are now safe and popular areas for families and children.

Obviously, this would never work in the United States.  Too many priests and ministers would lose a prime inspiration for their sermons, too many police jobs would be eliminated at a time of high unemployment, too many prisons would run on empty, and each needle disposal area would be left by the government as just another toxic dump.

   A BOB KAUFMANN ALERT!   THIS IS NOT SPAM!  NO KIDDING!

If you know someone who enjoys showing off his prowess by inviting unsuspecting innocents to pull his finger, do not – I repeat, DO NOT pull his leg.

 BEST TWO OUT OF THREE?

In an incredibly short time, Oprah announced she was quitting her show and Tiger took off to Sweden, leaving us deserted with no one left to amuse us.

We all are aware that bad news comes in threes.

I am terrified that we will hear that Sarah Palin is not going to leave, or that Glenn Beck will be refused a license to marry himself.

AH HAH!

Now that golfers have learned the secret of how Tiger Woods prepared for his incredible performances on the golf course, and aspire to emulate his swing, future telecasts of golf tournaments will be rated PGA 18.

Although Tiger Woods could lose many millions of dollars in endorsement payments, he will more than make it up by auctioning off his smashed up Caddie.

You want to make a bet against that one?